So, Xanga... It's been a while. I'm surprised I'm even writing now, to be honest. I've got so much time, but I lack focus. Energy. Initiative. I've hardly any!

Anyways, I'm here now because I've felt the sudden urge to write about some "happenings". Let's get to it. Life... What to say? For starters everything has changed. Mostly everything. Or, perhaps, it just feels that way. I'm still the same ol' Kay. But, with a somewhat new perspective. Different surroundings. Maybe everything has changed.

Hm. Being pregnant is a trip! Especially since I'm carrying two. Yeah, I said it. Two! How crazy is that? Still a little hard to believe, I will admit. I don't think the reality of it will hit me until I go into labor. It's been pretty odd. I can't even put into words how it feels. It basically feels like what it is. If that makes sense. Haha. There's really nothing like it. It's not like eating a big meal, or feeling the need to go number two. It's a completely different sensation. Pregnancy. It's a love/hate relationship, I've come to realize.

 

Grown bored of writing, I've no patience.

 

These past few days... Have been odd, to say the least. Something is happening to me. Something I wouldn't even know how to begin to explain. It's all just a little "off." I find that it's a chore to get out of bed... I mean, it has always been a little challenge, but it's gotten far worse. It would seem that I am beginning to lose patience. With what exactly? I can't say. My appetite is nearly non-existent. Well, that isn't entirely true. It's just been a lot smaller than it normally is. I've gone from a lion to a kitten, with proportion sizes. I feel as though something is missing. Like, there is a hole that was once filled with something that is no longer there. I don't want to be around anyone one moment. Would much rather be left alone. But then, bam. I feel so alone and want someone to just be there. I've been indecisive, I've been nervous... I've been scared. I have been so overwhelmed with emotion. I have felt so forgiving. I have felt so unforgiving. From happiness, to frustration, and then finally to anger in a matter of minutes. From caring deeply, to not giving a fuck. From dancing, to holding back tears. To being positive about others motives and then doing a complete three sixty... Basically becoming the most cynical person in the world. Also, I have felt as though I really want some sort of change to come about. My mind demands it, but my mind can not comprehend. I long to get away from what I've grown used to. Those things I find to be comfortable with, you could say. I just want to leave everything I've attained behind. To start anew. The friendships, the job, the "second" family. All of it. And it truly scares me that I would even begin to think like this.

I do not understand what is going on within me... I've been feeling so far from my "usual" self. And at times like I am outside of my own body and that someone else is beginning to take over. Like, I have just jumped ship and put myself on some creepy ass auto-pilot mode. Which is definitely not as patient, a hell of a lot more paranoid, insecure, gullible, and a tad more bitter. For reasons not exactly known. I have felt like lashing out multiple times, but haven't. I have thought about punching every living thing that seems to show an ounce of optimism or happiness. But then, I brush it off. I Shrug. I get over it. Thank god I haven't completely lost control.

I've got to say that one of the worst things about this instantaneous change is that I'm finding it difficult to remember things that happened only moments ago. And I can't seem to pay attention to any one thing in particular, for more than a few minutes. I'm actually skipping around my tabs as we speak... While I was at work today... It seemed that I could not concentrate. On anything. It was so hard to keep myself focused. My mind was bouncing about the room. I thought about so many things that had zero relevant tie-ins to my job duties. Songs would play on the radio. I would sing them. Dogs would bark. Birds would chirp. People would talk. I would stop to listen. Coworkers would be talking about their personal lives and I wouldn't even remember what they had said moments later. I tried to tap into my short-term memory. But, failed. I would catch myself daydreaming. Creating scenarios I'd like to be played out. Coming up with plans. Forming ideas. And then forgetting them all. My dreams don't even seem to have as much depth as they normally would. It would seem that my mind is losing interest and getting bored. With everything. And fast. I can't recall as much as I normally would be able to, due to lack of interest I guess. Or perhaps it could be a number of other things I just don't realize. All I know for sure is that my thoughts are scattered. I can not grasp onto any of them. Firmly. They leave as quickly as they come. I'm surprised I'm able to write this... And suddenly I don't feel much like writing much else. And if I do, I fear it may be a little on the redundant side.

So, I just hope this passes. Because it's consuming me. This "difference" is trying to take me over. Fuck, I will not let it. Oh god, someone pray for me. I need all the help I can get... And it shows.